My Version of Clark

After the success of OTWOL,I am sure a lot of women wants to be Leah,and marry someone like Clark. Love stories like that tend to create an air of anticipation and expectation that THE ONE will embody the perfect man. 

But perfect is far-fetch,we can only pray for our own version of it,so I wrote something for the person God will bless me with.

I can’t stare at you for too long cause it might give me away. But in those milliseconds that I dare to gaze at you,I see someone I could spend the rest of my life with. An eternity in a glance,so cliché.

Yes,I see my future.

Yet there is more to this longing of just being with you. In all that you can offer,your responsible self,gentle hands,assuring smiles and honest compliments,I see someone who can teach me that life is meant for kindess and selflessness. 

You will need to be patiet with me. I can tell you about the most outrageous stories about my adventures and mishaps,but I beg you to dig deep. “I am a universe full of secrets.”,there are scars that I hide,marks that I have concealed believing that by ignoring them,they might disappear. But I am wrong,they are part of me,and some of them are unpleasant.

Teach me to walk out of fights I cannot win,accept defeat and be graceful about it. Be honest with me when I overdo things. Indulge me whenever I walk inside every bookstore and thrift shop. Put up with me when I wake up cranky. Remember that vanilla ice cream,pancit canton with pandesal can complete my day and my idea of a romantic date is climbing a mountain and binge-watch Grey’s Anatomy. 

Please love me harder when the ugly memories of the past resurfaced,tell me that tomorrow is something to look forward to,cause I’m with you. There will be mornings that I am not myself,but you will coax me out of it with a cup of coffee and a hug. 

This is too much,I know. Yet I trust you too learn more about me each day. You will unravel me,and love or hate some of the new things you will discover,but I trust you to step up and be the man God deemed to be my other half.

Yes. You will show me how you have grown in God’s love. That every downfall and sin is forgotten and how it is amazing to be reborn in Jesus. Your faith will sustain mine,we will build a family centered in Christ.

As I brave to look at you once more,I smile and shake my head. All of this is silly and I’m getting ahead of myself,but then our eyes met and there is a knowing look in your face.

The future might come sooner than I have imagined.

  

  
*photo (c) Beau Taplin

Anong Nangyari?

It’s too early for small talks,I moved away from people who might ask me what I’m doing here,a lone Pinay. Baka kako i-Chinese pa ako,wala din naman ako masasagot.

As I sat in a hospital bench,waiting for my mother to complete her admission,I looked back on how my 2015 and first month of 2016 turned out. 

Well,how was 2015? I had 365 days of love and hate at work,some close friends leaving,gained new ones,attended conferences and concerts(my first to watch a foreign band),2 mountains(the second one being the third highest peak in the Phillipines,so I’ll forgive myself that I only climbed two,tsaka you know,schedule and stuff),sunsets at the beach(Manila bay included,oo kahit mabaho! Ang siste,makikita mo daw and pinakamagandang sunrise sa Pulag,pero ang pinakamagandang sunset sa Manila bay),attended a wedding,my second year being a Cornerstone volunteer,and of course,going home to my beloved Ilocos.

If someone asked me what was my most notable memory of 2015,my Mount Pulag climb would be the best one,pero hindi ang pinaka-highlight. 

I’d like to call it “My Heart” weekend.

While my heart beats fast for some uncontrollable reason,my mind tried to race with it,bakit ako nandito? Biglang may cardiac monitor at ECG tracings,IV insertions,blood extractions. Doctors and nurses trying to solve the mystery why my heart was beating fast? 

The doctor asked me my whole name,who I was with and what happened. I tried to piece it all together. I told them what I know. After a while,after medicine has found it’s way into my heart,I cried. 

Kase nakakahiya,nakakatakot,nakakabigla. 25 years old,isang nurse pero nandoon bilang isang pasyente.

8 hours sa Emergency room,isang araw at kalahati sa ICU,at isang araw pa sa floors. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin masabi ng mga doctor ko ang exact na cause,sabi sa Thyroid,o baka daw may problema talaga sa puso. For me,hayaan na lang ang cause muna,I was glad that I was okay,that I was alive. 

Overwhelmed pa rin ako hanggang ngayon sa mga nangyari. Turning point yun ng buhay ko. Narealize ko that health is wealth ika nga,na hindi mo magagawa ang mga bagay na gusto mo,hindi ka magagamit ng Diyos sa mga bagay na gusto Niyang pagawa,kung may sakit ka at mahina ang katawan. 

I learned that you could rely on people,na hindi mo kayang gawin lahat. Madami din palang nagmamahal sa akin kahit papano,nasa malayo man o malapit. I got to see people who cared and prayed

I got to see God and His never ending miracles.

Maraming tao,kahit sa mga nananampalataya,pati din ako,ang cynical sa milagro. Ngayon,I am believer. 2015 was full of miracles,and God isn’t done yet.

So paano naman yung unang buwan ko ng 2016? 

New years day was for fireworks and friends. My work does not allow me the luxury of long weekends and holidays,I stayed in the city and was resolve to let the year pass in the hospital (which happens every year since I started working).

But God has His ways of surprising you. Hindi nga naman natatapos talaga ang biyaya ng Panginoon. Na-Holiday rest ako and a welcoming home of a close friend served as an added gift. We spent the whole evening eating ang playing billiards,and laughing. Yes,since the three of us were spending holidays away from home,the company of each other and laughter made everything bearable,and happy.

Our stomach was full and our spirits high. Kaya lang,may mga trabaho na kailangang balikan,responsibilidad na kasama ng pagtanda. Two years na din pala ako sa aking trabaho,I never thought I could get pass it,pero andito pa rin ako,akalain mo yun?

Dahil may gustong patunayan sa sarili,umakyat ulit ako ng bundok. Against the advice of everyone,I planned to hike again. I got my clearance from my doctor,1 week of prepping,I was set to go.

God’s majesty,yun lang talaga. Walang ganun kagandang lugar kung hindi dahil sa kanya. It was a weekend to remember,with a good company,hot sopas and chicken na walang sauce. Mount Pulag welcomed us,the sea of clouds was visible,the day was perfect.

More than the beauty of the mountain,I treasured more the friends I was with. Last year,ng una akong umakyat,I was with my HighSchool buddies,my sister and my colleague. Ngayon naman I was with my SFC family. Sobrang blessed lang talaga ako sa mga kaibigan,na gustong umakyat din ng bundok at pagurin ang sarili,at game sa kasiyahan,pero andiyan din sa mga oras na kailangan mo ng karamay. 

Ngayon,nasa waiting area ako ng isang hospital sa ibang bansa,inaantay na matapos ang operasyon ng nanay ko. There will be moments like this,family members and friends who are sick,some get well,some may not. There will be hearts broken and spirits crushed. 

Every year is different,but there are constant and infinite truths. The love and grace of God,the care of family and friends,the lesson of responsibility and resilience,the joy that this world gives,the sorrow and pain for us to learn and stay strong. 

Andito tayo para mabuhay,gawin lang natin ng tama. 

       
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
   

 

Matulog Ka na Tadhana

You are my 2 am thoughts. Yet I dont know who you are yet,the enigma of my second shot at “love”.

Have you been thinking about me too? How we should have met already and should be singing to some chessy slow song.

But here I am still listening to UDD’s Tadhana,and arguing to myself why I find Fate and Destiny so fulfilling,yet tragic at the same time.

 Paano kung hindi dumating? Paano kung nasa gitna pa rin pala siya ng Edsa,stuck in traffic and can’t see any way out. 

Sabi nila,waiting is being in the state of God’s grace. I’m sure,God’s grace is not meant to torture the life out of you. 

Or perhaps,yun din ang gusto Niyang mangyari,na mag-antay ka at mabaliw ka,hanggang mahanap mo din ang sarili mong katinuan. Para pag dumating na ang inaantay mo,buo ka na at matino,at handa ng magmahal.

Handa ka na ba sa mga mixed signals,subtle signs at misleading emotions? Handa ka na ba sa mga ngiting hindi pala para sayo? Kasama lahat yan.

25 years and I think I will never be ready,but hey,I am always willing to try.

So my 2 am love,handa na ako,ina-antay kita. 

Miracle

I live near a fire station and everyday I hear the sirens loudly wailing. “May nasusunog na naman na bahay/mga bahay.” I utter a simple fervent prayer.
Miracle. Hindi kami yun.

For everyday that I wake up,my first thought would be,”Uy ginising ka ni God.” But before the gratefulness sets in,bigla akong magwoworry. 

I think of the worries I have to face for today,and weakend at the thought of spending energy and draining the happiness I have been saving for the last couple of days I was happy.

Then I hear again the familiar wailing of fire trucks,I remembered the miracle,the blessing I was given.

Ginising ako ni Lord,sinasabihan Niya ako na,”Maniwala ka,andito Ako.” 

I bow my head to pray,I say my thanks,and go and exhaust the energy that God gave me,for I know,He will recharge me again for tomorrow. 

And as I go about my day,I stumble upon miracles that the Lord is set to give me today. 

A plea

Father,

Help me to mountains. Strengthen me. Keep me on my toes. Assure me father of the love that you have for me.

I am lost and I feel lonely. I am surrounded by the love You have given me Lord,but I fail to recognize it most of the time.

Lord,help me make everyday of my life a reflection of that love.

You said,”Happy are those spiritually poor,the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.” I am spiritually poor Lord,help me.

I know Mama Mary is praying for me,along with the Angels and Saints. Let Your Holy Spirit descend on me Lord. 

In Your mighty name.

Amen

2 AM

(Just for today)

They taught us a lot of things but you will never be prepared for 2 am sadness,and how it will cripple you and your self esteem. 

It is the hour for music and musing,why the world feels discontent,why you feel undervalued. Or why you’re awake at 2 am and have these thoughts. 

In my case,my 2 am’s are spent in some 24 hour convenience store,eating anything instant. This was suppose to be my dinner,but skipping meals has been a daily routine. 

I dont enjoy food like they used to be. It does not even bring the gratification that a full stomach could give. 

Books lately have been helpful,but not as useful as before. They sit and stare at me,unopened and unappreciated. They lost their marvel,the adventures that are inside them are waiting for me to explore.

Going out for me means going to work. And thats it. 

I seem to have lost the will to try lately. I wake up and go about the day. But where is living in those hours that I breathe? 

And I avoid people. An irony to what I do at work,for I deal with everyone. Be the best caring person I could be,while at the back of my mind,I want to quit,just walk away from all of this,but then I look at the clock and remember I have a catheter to drain.

Love more,they say. I try,but it doesn’t measure up.

(Bear in mind Tets,this is just for today.) 

Oras

Saan napunta lahat ng oras at pagkakataon? Bakit parang tumatakbo ang orasan at hindi na mahabol? Kahit anong pahinuhod mo na ika’y hintayin,kahit lingon man,ay hindi niya gagawin.

Oras. Laman ka ng bawat kanta,tula,at nobela.

Oras. Madalas kang tingnan. Aabot ba ako?

Oras na kay bilis kung ikaw ay masaya,na para bang nakatawa pa at nagsasabing,”Panandalian lamang ito.”

At kapag ikaw ay nasa gitna ng hingpis at kalungkutan ay simabagal ng sasakyan na nasa gitna ng Edsa,”Sige,dito ka na lang muna.”

Oras na naubos sa kakaantay at paniniwalang darating din sa takdang panahon ang lahat. 

Gumalaw ka kasabay ng oras,sundan mo ang bawat segundong kanyang tinatakbo. 

Pangarap ko na sa isang buong araw ay hindi ako nakatingin sa relos ko,na akin ang pagkakataon na ito,at walang oras at tao na magdidikta kung mabagal o mabilis ang bawat minuto. 

Pangarap ko na ang tibok ng puso ko ang magsasabing,”Gising,bagong araw na at nakalaan sayo ang lahat ng oras. Gawin mo ang ikasasaya nating dalawa.”